achieve cure

i've been reading and thinking and talking about our condition
not as christians
not as americans
not at caucasians
but as people
our people condition of selfishness and materialism. to me this lives somewhere between "going green" and "picking your nose." it's so popular and "in" that it makes me sick to think about but it's also something that no one wants to admit to because it's down-right embarrassing. to be selfish and materialistic is not something to brag about. while it may be popular to talk and hypothesize about how to achieve cure; i don't see alot of mass movement toward "going selfless." it seems like there are either people taking a vow of poverty or seeking a better paying career, bigger house, greater business profit or higher investment dividends; all in the name of being able to "give more money, open our home, support more people." (i actually don't know what "selfless" reason people give for the investment dividends)

but when i am driving home or trying to fall asleep, it's not the discussions or thoughts or solutions that bother me; it's my reason for desiring change in my life that really bothers me. the reason i want to help meet the need is more sobering than the need itself. the core reason deep in my heart is for me. my desire to be selfless and generous is actually very selfish and greedy. i want to change so that i feel ok with the way i am living. the reason i want to give to people and live simply and generously is so that i don't feel guilty about how i live my life and spend my money/time.

that's so absurd! even my selflessness is selfish.
it's even more selfish than my selfishness!!!!

or maybe it's a good thing?
maybe that's the only reason people ever change.
why would i continue to live contrary to my convictions?
i should feel good about the way i've lived at the end of the day, right?
maybe i should just be glad that i feel.
glad that i think about it.
maybe i should just change and quit talking about why.